On Choosing and Being Chosen

Since this blog is no longer about anything in particular, please allow me to spill my guts in the most embarrassing but necessary way.

Many of you who know me irl have heard me talk about choosing versus being chosen. It’s sort of like my version of mindful friendship. It’s the idea that in your life you should take stock from time to time of whether you have chosen your relationships or whether you’ve just allowed yourself to be chosen. There’s no right answer to this. Ideally you should be both in all your relationships – chosen and choosing. It’s actually funny that I am obsessed with this concept because I am decidedly unbalanced. I am absolutely a chooser. This isn’t always a bad thing. But anyway, let me tell you a story that demonstrates what I mean by this entire concept and which also explains my weird relationship with it.

I have a friend that I only met in September but who is definitely going to become a member of the “inner circle” if she isn’t already. We really click and she and I seem to share a lot of the same ideas about the importance of friendship and, given that, we’ve decided that we’ll meet once a week for lunch. It’s perfect. She only works a block from her house so I usually make a lunch and bring it over to her house and we just shoot the shit, talk books, etc.

When we met this last week for lunch, my friend could tell that something was a little off (I’m the worst liar. EVERYTHING shows on my face). I hemmed and hawed a bit but eventually came clean. I was feeling a bit conflicted at the moment regarding an ex-friend. I had broken off contact with this person back in the summer (yeah, that one I wrote about) but had recently had to contact her regarding some leftover business concerning a mutual friend who had died. It had been a huge struggle for me to do that and basically kind of broke me for a few days. After that, I spent some days wondering if maybe I should try to repair things with this person. After all, it was me who broke off the friendship so shouldn’t I be the one to reach out? But then again, did I really want to reestablish contact?

Thank God my new friend is a therapist. Rather than give me a direct opinion, she asked me a series of questions about what I wanted to get out of this and, to be honest, I wasn’t sure. I mean, I wasn’t sure I could really trust this person to be a friend again so why the hell did I want to do this? It took a few more questions for me to realize why. I wanted to reestablish contact in the idiotic hope that she might be willing to hear how I felt about our past friendship. Ironically, I wanted to reestablish contact to get closure.

What my friend pointed out and what I came to realize is that I was never going to get closure. I was never going to be heard. And that’s because this past friendship was not one that my ex-friend had ever chosen. The friendship was entirely Autumn-chosen and Autumn-driven. That’s not to say that this person may not have cared about me in her way but, ultimately, I was not a person she actively chose to have in her life. We hung out when I asked. We talked when I texted. When she was in pain, I tried to help. When I was in pain, there was silence. When she needed help, I did everything I could. When I needed help, I got a sympathetic ear but no follow through. I do want to pause to point out that this all makes her sound like a bad person but that isn’t the case. The problem is that I chose someone who was not in a situation or had the emotional capacity to choose me back. This person has an extraordinary capacity for greatness that will, unfortunately, always be held back by fear and I just never realized how severe it was. So, ultimately I decided that I didn’t want to contact her again. It would just be too painful and, to be honest, she probably hates me anyway. But most of all, my contacting her would be just another instance of me reaching out and trying to choose.

But this is just one example of my overall problem and I suspect that I’m not the only outgoing person to have it. People like me reach for things we want.  If I see an opportunity, I grab it. Why not? Who else is going to get it for me? If I meet someone I find interesting, I’m going to tell them I’d like to be friends. That’s how it works when you’re a bit of an alpha female! But the downside is that you have a tendency to rarely be chosen. Whether it’s because people are intimidated by your personality or because you choose people who aren’t emotionally available, you tend to know a lot of people without being deeply connected to many. What seems like a positive and confident quality has its shadow side. But what’s the alternative? I’m not about to stop reaching for what I want and need. I’m a white-trash small town girl who has had to be as forward as possible to get what opportunities I could. And I don’t regret the way I am, I just wish it didn’t have to entail loneliness.

Not all is bad though. Clearly my new friend is awesome!* But the truth is that I’m hesitant now. I’m worried about sharing myself with someone and having them betray my trust, which is ridiculous since she’s the sweetest and most conscientious person ever. But didn’t I think the same about my ex-friend? I’m usually pretty open but I find that it’s taking more effort now and that is what I hate most. I’m furious that this whole situation has made me want to draw inside myself. That’s exactly NOT what the world needs more of, nor does it suit me at all.

So, what do I do now? I realize that I can’t just stop being me, nor do I want to. But I’m also tired of playing God and wondering who might actually be actively choosing to have me in their life. For me, I suppose, the answer is to keep my head down and focus on my work. Things just are the way they are and I just am the way I am. I have never been good at suppressing myself so why bother? Knowing me, I’ll keep choosing and maybe, someday, I’ll be chosen too.

 

*I’d like to mention that I have other awesome friends as well. What I describe is more a general trend in my life.

How to Be: Summer Breakup Edition

I know I’m an anomaly when I say that I don’t understand our prioritization when it comes to relationships. We assume that romantic relationships sit on the top of a pyramid of connections, with friendships somewhere below it. I’m a bit backwards and I place friendship at the top of the pyramid, if we even have to have a pyramidal, hierarchical structure at all. This is because my romantic relationships need to be above all things friendships at root. But its more than that, too. It’s also because I assume friendships are more enduring for most people (if done right) and that they are the most consistently life-giving. After all, you need your friends after a romantic breakup. So, it might be correct to say that I’m romantic about friendships. This is why it was such a hard thing for me this summer when my dearest and closest friendship ended.

People are funny things. We love them exactly for who they are and yet, when things go south, we wish they could be different. But relationships are messy at best and when we take on a friendship we also take on that person’s past, a past we were never a part of and have absolutely no control over. To put it simply, people are complex, a product of their past, and we can’t do anything about it.

For my old friend this past was, unfortunately, insurmountable. I had inadvertently done something that upset her and, because of her past, she was unable to move beyond it. At first, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t fix this. I apologized, I explained, I told her how much I loved her and I gave her space. But the lesson for me, it seems, was about how I can’t do anything. This was incredibly difficult for me because I am a doer and I like to show my feelings. But God, in Her wisdom, decided to knock me on my ass with this one. If I hadn’t learned that I can’t fix everything in the world by the age of 39, perhaps this was going to be how She got my attention.

And She did. She sent me on a long holiday the day after this all happened so that I was physically separated from my friend. This proved to be crucial to my healing as I was able to literally get some distance. Holidays abroad have always felt something like retreats to me so I got the added bonus of feeling especially close to God during this time. I used the time to pray and to reflect and what I found was not at all what I was expecting.

In my mind, I was expecting that my friend and I would make up and be close again, that we just needed time. But my time away showed me that perhaps that wasn’t the best outcome, strange as that may seem. When I had time to reflect, I realized that my nature as a doer meant that I had been the person primarily keeping the friendship going. I made dates to go out, I texted her, I reached out when I wanted to talk. Once again, I was doing. This isn’t a bad thing. I’m very proud of the fact that I know what I want and will set out to get it. Again, I’m romantic about friendship and believe that it requires intention and effort. But as I sat on the beach one evening looking out over the North Sea I realized that I had kind of made up the entire friendship, that I had chosen her but she had never really chosen me. Not that my friend was not a fantastic person and not that she didn’t care about me in some way, but when I was able to step back and really look, I saw that she was never going to really be able to choose anyone, that she would always wait to be chosen. I can’t blame her for this. She’s had a really rough time with relationships, both romantic ones and friendships. I understand to a point. But it came home to me with a sudden force that when it came to choosing between everything we shared as friends and the pain she felt from her past, she would choose the pain every time simply because it was safer and required less vulnerability.

This was hard. Like, REALLY hard.  There were nights where I just cried, feeling stupid and blind. How could I have not seen this coming? Why did I reveal so much about myself to this person? But it was also then that I knew deep within myself that I couldn’t let this situation cut me off. I couldn’t let the loss of this friendship threaten to isolate me and keep me from what I do best – sharing my heart with others. So, I prayed. I asked God to please keep my heart open, to let it break spectacularly so that I could stay compassionate. During the day I found myself absently stroking the sacred heart tattoo on my right forearm as if to remind myself to keep my heart broken for a little while yet, to let it be pierced over and over and let my compassion grow.

This might sound all very emotionally morbid to you, dear reader, but I believe firmly that we need to fully explore our emotions, our reactions, for meaning. Doing so allowed me to see that I “do” too much and that this has eroded my sense of self-love. Once I allowed myself to really feel the deep pain of betrayal and rejection, I felt an instinctive need to heal myself and to show myself the compassion I felt I was lacking. So, that’s what I did. I began, first of all, to eat better, something my powerlifting coach no doubt loves. I began making sure I went to bed before midnight. I began to monitor the way I spoke to myself. This all sounds very much like doing still, doesn’t it? But there were other ways I found healing as well.

I sat.

Literally, I just sat. I didn’t even focus on my breathing as I would for my meditation practice. I simply sat. When an emotion threatened me with its insidious waves, I shrugged and allowed it to roll over me. I trusted that God would see me through whatever happened. I trusted. I trusted. I trusted.

I accepted that I would cry for many weeks yet. That I would have days where I felt powerful and loving and days where I felt helpless and sad. I accepted that I may have moments where I felt friendless and times where I was going to have no one but myself and God to see me through. And I refused to talk myself out of loving in spite of it all.

trusted.

I trusted that I was enough. I trusted that God is about connection and love and communion and that therefore I was on the right path. When in doubt, I spoke to myself.

“Keep your heart open. Let it break. Let it break. Let it break.”

And because I am such a doer and always will be, I repaired what I could in myself and in other relationships. I reached out to someone I had stopped speaking to when I realized I’d never get the apology I deserved. I no longer felt like the apology was necessary. I began to write olde tyme letters to friends. I went on blind “friend dates” that, at this point in time, seem very promising. I even wrote a letter to my biological father, a man who abandoned us thirty years ago. I let go of the expectation that he wanted to know me and gave in instead to the knowledge that I couldn’t let people think that they didn’t matter. Instead of retreating into myself and refusing to love, I decided to throw my heart back into the ring with abandon.

trusted.

And I wrote a final text message to my old friend. I told her that I loved her and that if she ever decides she wants us to repair this, I’ll be here. But I no longer have the expectation that she wants this. I no longer need to assume that I was to her what she was to me. Knowing of the deep pain that she has experienced in the past, I don’t expect that she’ll choose me. Instead, I’ll just keep trusting that my love isn’t wasted, even when it isn’t returned.